all the things I should have said
Screaming in my head over what I had known was the inevitable. Wishing I could slap your face, and at the same time wishing I could kiss it just once more. I just wish that it was all a dream; that I would wake up crying in your arms, that you would hold me in arms that hadn't held her. I wish that you could just STOP hurting me with your passive lips. That last night, you'd kiss me with your passive lips, when I had much preferred that you had slapped my instead. You have no idea how much less it would have hurt. I told you to just stop talking. That I knew exactly what you would say, and I knew it for the past month, but no, you had to keep saying, like reading from a script, and with every word that passed your perfect lips came another twist with the dagger that you seemed to have stuck in my heart the same night you talked to her. I've never thought that I would have so much hatred for someone I didn't know. I don't blame her directly for any of this, because she just didn't know. But still, I can't just look at her as anything positive in my mind. The better she sounds, the worse it hurts. Yeah, she's thinner, and you like really skinny girls. Yeah, she has glasses, something that you had always found to be cute. Yeah, she has the confidance that I could never aquire. I hate this. I HATE THIS! I WANT TO SCREAM! I WANT TO THROW MYSELF ONTO MY BED, AND SCREAM UNTIL THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS MY PAIN! WHY DO YOU ALL LOOK AT ME LIKE I'M IN A DISPLAY AT THE ZOO? THE PAIN IN MY HEAD, MY CHEST, MY TREMBLING HANDS, AND YOUR TEAR-DRENCHED PICTURE!!! And now here I am, with someone that, before you, would have stolen my heart, but he thinks that I'm just some kind of freak, afraid of something, not too sure. He wants to know why I hate happy summer days. He wants to know why I look away involuntarily when he leans over to kiss me. He wants to know why there's pain in my eyes that doesn't match the rest of my face. WHY I'M SO DEFECTIVE. I feel like a doll that needs to be sent back to a factory for repair, but I can't because the factory isn't there anymore. I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate you for making me this screwed up inside, but at the same time, for some crazed reason I am still so in love with you. I think about you every day. I think about you at least every hour. Everything reminds me of you. I hope she breaks your heart. That wonderful girl that is so much better than me. I hope that you DO fall so hard in love with her, the way I fell for you. I hope she does what you did. I hope that, someday, you can feel this. If there is ANY natural balance in this universe, you WILL be as screwed up inside as me. I hope that someday the seclusion will be too much for you to handle. Every smile that appears on my face now is made soley in spite. Like it matters.......