Too tall, too big, too depressed, too fake-chearful, too ready to give it all up! I dont get these stupid people telling me what I am or am not. From teachers to orthadontists to strangers in a chat room. They know nothing about who I am, or what Im about. The thing that surprises me the most is the fact that they think i care what they say. All it does is make me more prone to piss them off. I am so stressed right now that it is'nt even funny. This morning I was going to get my new retainer, because i lost the old one, (yeah, failure Alonia) and there was this fat yuppie blueberry of a woman with this rediculous grin on her face. I really just wanted to slam that face until it was no longer there. It wasn't the fact that she was a yuppie, or even a blueberry woman for that matter, it was her smile. That smug smirk that was just sitting there on that wasteland of a face, mocking my pain, in all its torment.

And on the way there my mom gives me the ol' one-two on how wasteful I am because I lost another retainer. She said I'm on my way to being just like my father. It made me just want to make her bleed. How dare she compare me to the only person who i have ever been a basket case to. The only person who i ever hated in my life, besides her dorky boyfriend who tryed to kill my dog. She shouldn't talk. She's the slut who slept with the guy to make the fat akward bastard child who would never meet with anyones approval.

All that I can do to stop the rage that I feel inside the corners of my gut is to cry and beat myself up. Alot of people like to cut themselves, but not me. I beat my head and tear at my hair roots to make the voices in my head stop. The voices of all of the people who love to make my life miserable. The voices who repeat over and over in unison, ''ul never be good enough, y not just give up''. I only just recently listened to the voices, and tryed to overdose on advil. I ate the whole bottle, all that i could find, and i waited. Unfortunately for yours truly, i woke up the next day, and went to school, and listened to the new and current critics telling me i wasnt living up to my full potential. But what if i am living up to my full potential. Every day i do the best that i can, but it's no use. I am just such a failure, that i just want to let go of all of this pain. I want to live, just not this life. I know that there are worse lives than mine, but i dont care. I hate this pain. I hate this confusion. I hate this life. I don't wonder if there is a god anymore. How could any soul, mortal or otherwise, enflict this much pain on one person. Is it that I did something in a past life that I'm paying for now? Its like, for every few good memories that i make, i must pay by making 10 new bad ones.
I dont know
Maybe im just a nutcase.
Well, I better go now. I have to sleep now, like theres any point, Ur tortured soul,
Alonia Demonia