I just want you to know who I am
Well it's raining out tonight. It's been raining for the past three days. But even the rain is no comfort for the incomplete feeling in my gut that was there for about a couple of weeks now. It hurts a little. A little more each day. This is the first time that the rain hasn't made me feel good. It still hasn't worked. My heart has been broken and it's not healing like it usually does. My porceline heart has always survived little cracks and punctures, but not like this. He split it in half this time.
I'm crying tonight. Your picture is drenched with my tears. I know your probably not reading this cuz your prolly not reading my blogs anymore. But the slight chance that you still do, I miss you. I knew that I shouldn't have started anything with you , but when everything's made to be broken, I just wanted you to know who I am. I have written a few songs about you, but none of them quite capture what I want. Not even words and music can capture the full essence of you.
Even the proffessionally done songs aren't enough for you. I miss you terribly. I hate the fact that I'm not on your mind.
You know, I listened to that one third eye blind song, "How's it gonna be". I cried. I cried all night. This is what they said in the songs. This is how it's gonna be. I don't want it to. I don't I don't I don't i could write it a million times. That one Shakira song, "always having my heart set on you" i think it's called fool. that song is us.
The pain is never numbed, and i hate it. I've tried to date others, but I just can't. They try to kiss me and I never want to kiss them back. It's all just so mechanical. That one boy I told you about that slipped me that note, he's the perfect guy. He's got red curly hair, crooked teeth (the really cute kind) He's a democrat, he's what I would normally bend over backwards for.
He kissed me.
That night I cried. Not in front of him, but when the date was over. I felt so wierd. I did something that I was expected to. Everyone expected me to kiss him, but I didn't want to. I was thinking, imagining, that you bursted into the theater and punched him out, and galantly saved me. It sucks because, even though your not at my school or anything, I can't escape you. Your alwasy somewhere. Whether it be a strawberry cheesecake ordered at lunch, or a superman comic, or my favorite song playing on the radio, Iris, remember? The googoo dolls. That's my favorite song, and you had nothing to do with it being my favorite. But now when I hear it, I just think of the tattered remnants of what used to be "us"
I think about you for always, and my mom says that I might be moving to England in a year. In my sophmore or junior year, she says she'd be workin on this army base in Kuwait with jesse. I would have my own apartment, and a roommate, cuz you can live without a parent or guardian at sixteen over there. I was supposed to feel happy, estatic, and thinking about how I'm going to rearrange my apartment and crap. I was supposed to, but I kept thinking about how perfect it would have been. How perfectly you could have just gone to England studying abroad.
Yea, so I still think of you. I know we're not going to be getting back together any time soon or ever, for that matter, but I just want you to know who I am. I want you to know that I... love you. And I'm crying right now, tears running all down my big fat cheeks. It's 3:48 in the morning, and I just couldn't sleep. It's raining really hard and I can't stop thinking of you. I want to tell you all these wonderful things that are going on right now. I don't want to hear your voice, the indifference in your tone. I just wish that I could hear you say one last time that you loved me. I hate that I can't hear that. I hate it everyday that passes. I can't say that there's no one thinking of me, because there is. But there's no one that matters.
I bought that movie"gone with the wind" and I just wished that Rhett hadn't walked out. It's funny, he had the same passive tone that you had. While at best buy i also saw that "cowboy bebop" cartoon on dvd. It made me laugh cuz you say it funny.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not expectin anything to come from this blog.
I just want you to know who I am.
well kiddies, it's off to bedtime with you.
goodnight.