Well, today was fun. Yesterday was fun. But just now was just terrible. Why does everything insist on crushing me. Just when I start thinking about how beautiful life is, it just slams in my face. I hate it now. I wish this pain would just end. Well, today wasn't a very good day. Yesterday I went over to my half sister's house. I haven't talked to her since i was 10, and after our first visit, she never called me back. Well, you know those goals that you set for the things that you want to do before you die? Well one of mine was to know who my siblings are. Who they REALLY are. At this stage, everything is just so confusing. With love lost and found again. With school and extra curricular activities just mounting the stress on my shoulders. With my mom who keeps pressuring me into taking my driving test. (it's not that i dont want to drive, but with all this crap going on, who can study with all this?) It's when I need to be able to talk to someone who's been through all of this before. Someone who could, i dont know, give me advice? I just live with my mom, and with her, the deepest thing you can talk about without her yelling back at you is reality shows and crap like that. I have no one to talk to. This is the hardest time in my life so far. So you understand how much I need to have someone to talk to. Well, I went to my half sister's door with no expectations from her except for maybe a "come in" or something.
So I approached her door, and my hands were shaking a little tiny bit because i was so nervous. If I screw up this time, it's it. I rang the doorbell of this trashy duplux and finally she answered. Our eyes met the second we saw eachother. "those are my cheeks" i thought to myself. And she asked me what I wanted, while taking a drag out of her ciggarette. I stuttered out "I'm Lisalee. I'm your half sister...." Immediatly, I imagined a smile, a half smirk, ANYTHING. but no. She slammed the door in my face.
I stood there for a while, just looking at the door that was about an inch from my face. I quickly turned around when I felt the tears burning my eyes. I couldn't let her know that she hurt me. I couldn't let her know that she got to my head. My face, now totally red wet and swollen with the after-effects of the last hour's events, turned to my mom's car. I put my parka hood up, and Mom tryed to ask me what had happened. I yelled at her, "i dont want to talk about it" And so we drove home in silence.
It hurts. I was so excited. I was so nervous. All I wanted was for her to at least acknowledge that I was her half sister. All I wanted was to see her smile at me, just once. To connect. To not be so alone anymore. But no.
I reached my room, and cried my eyes out. Their still so red and they still hurt so much. Their irritated and red. i Snuck downstairs to my computer, and to this blank sheet of white pixels. At least I have this stupid blog to talk to. I can vent out of this, if there's no other way. I'm hurting so much. What sucks with me is, when other people say "it hurts me" they just mean emotionally. But when I'm hurt emotionally, my stomache hurts, my chest gets tight, and my arms get numb. I hate this so much.
Oh well.
I have to go anyways...
Your tortured soul,
Alonia Demonia